Protected: Its Going To Be A Bumpy Ride
Posted By jen on August 29, 2010
Let's Get Started!!
Protected: You Can Ask Me For It
Posted By jen on August 25, 2010
Just Because
Posted By jen on July 20, 2010
I got in trouble today from my friend Heidi via Yahoo. This is what she told me:
Like a good friend I check your blog everyday….and like a starter but not finisher…you haven’t touched it since May 24 2010. just sayin
I informed her that I am currently writing a post explaining myself. There is big changes going on in my life and one of my cute little quirks is, I hate change! I haven’t dealt with everything very well so I haven’t felt like I could come here and blog and not explode it all out until it was all finalized.
After I finished with my list of excuses Heidi summed it all up with this:
I find myself at times like these ( much like most people in your radius) just throwing my hands up in the air, shaking my head, and damnit yes laughing right out loud while saying or thinkin, she’s crazy but I love her.
And yes, I do get that a lot!
***Hi Heidi!! 
***
Overcoming Fear
Posted By jen on May 24, 2010
When I was younger I rode horses every chance I got. I was almost fearless when I would get on a horse. It never worried me when it would rear up, buck, or crow hop. I grabbed a hold of the reins and held on for all it was worth. The thrill of it was intoxicating almost.
Almost 20 years ago I was riding with a friend and we were in town. I tried to make the horse cross a road that we had crossed a million times before. He did NOT want to cross that road. We were in a battle to see which one of us was more stubborn. I won out! The horse finally went across the road and then came back. That’s when it hit me, I was pregnant, and there was no way I should have been on that horse, much less trying to make it do something it didn’t want to do.
We took the horses back to the barn and I walked away. I began to think of all the things that could happen when riding. I actually talked myself into being scared to death of horses. The only time I could handle being around a horse was when there was a fence between us.
Flash forward to three years ago, I married a cowboy. His life is about horses and he has forgotten more about them then most people know. I’ve seen him ride horses that a lot of people would write off as too dangerous or a lost cause. I love watching him do his thing.
There are times that my fear frustrates me. He is part of a world that I am locked out of because of this fear. I can only relate to his love in the past tense.
A couple years ago I had an opportunity to get on a horse. I was pretty much shamed into it because the horse I was asked to ride belonged to a 4 year old. I downed a beer and hopped on. I rode that horse all day long and it was so nice. I remembered my love of riding and resolved to make sure I rode again. A week or so later I did just that then it was time to put him up for the night and that was it, I didn’t look back again.
My fear overtook me once more but, until last weekend, I didn’t know just how bad it had gotten. Jeff has been helping a friend sell some horses. I thought about it and thought about it some more and then surprised myself by asking Jeff to saddle one so I could ride down the road with him. He smiled and grabbed one he thought would be good for me to test the waters.
I have complete faith in my husband when it comes to horses. I know that he would never put me on something that would hurt me. He knew even before I did just how strong my fear is.
When she was saddled and ready to go I climbed aboard and froze!
Jeff led me around the yard for about 10 minutes then we stopped. Every time she shifted her weight I would shake harder. Then I surprised even myself by crying. I was just that scared. Then I felt so guilty because he went to all that trouble saddling the horse and I couldn’t ride it. I was determined that I wasn’t going to get off of her. He kept talking to me encouragingly and then he finally stopped her again. He reached up to help me off of her and tried to just make me feel better about being scared.
He understood and that made me feel even worse.
I spent all last week pissed off at myself for letting this get the best of me.
Yesterday Jeff was shoeing a horse and he asked me if I wanted to try again. I didn’t even hesitate, I said yes. He saddled him up knowing that I would probably get up there and freak out and get right back down. That thought alone kept my ass in that saddle!
I did it! I rode that horse for about 20 minutes without Jeff leading me around. I got adventurous enough to ride off on my own for a bit. The horse even balked when I asked him to turn around once and I didn’t even flinch.
I’m so excited over this. I’m not going to say that I am cured and my love of horses has returned but I am saying that I am determined to keep taking baby steps towards becoming a part of a world that my husband loves and I have been kept out of for far too long.
Calf Rope!
Posted By jen on April 19, 2010
My morning started like many of my mornings lately, with the weight of the things going on in my life damn near choking the breath out of me. My first thought was to throw my hands up in the air and yell “calf rope.” April wins!
For many years now April has been kicking my ass. A few memorable Aprils from my past:
- 2002: My mom died.
- 2005: I finally came to grips with my impending divorce.
- 2009: Jeff and I were in serious crisis with our marriage.
So far this year:
- Jeff’s dad passed away.
- We got to deal with a “friend” stabbing us in the back with lies to someone that has no business in our business.
- Gauge was put in the hospital for pneumonia.
- This past weekend was spent dealing with him getting over pneumonia, 2 with tonsillitis, and one with the flu.
- Now, I think I am coming down with a cold.
I stood looking in the mirror thinking things over as I was getting ready for work and for a little while I felt the urge to just give into it all and stop putting up a fight. April’s bullshit is just too overwhelming to me and I considered locking myself away in my room for the rest of the month to come up with a game plan for avoiding it next year.
Then I thought about the good things that April has brought me.
- One of my kids was born in April.
- My first home loan came thru in April.
- Jeff was reunited with his kids in April.
These thoughts alone gave me a little of my backbone back. I have decided to stand strong and look April in the eye and say “Fuck you April! I will get you next year!”
Good Bye March!
Posted By jen on April 1, 2010
I know it would appear that my blog is another casualty of my starting obsession. But, I promise it isn’t.
Not that anyone really reads this yet anyway. I just like to pretend I have an audience.
When last we spoke, Jeff was about to have surgery. I had it in my head that it would be a quick and simple surgery. Turns out, not so much! He was in surgery for 9 very long hours. He was in there for 5 hours before they had the chance to let me know what was going on. In the end, Jeff did really good in surgery and was able to skip the recovery room and go straight to ICU.
Before his surgery Jeff decided I should go home after his surgery. He wanted me to come home so I wouldn’t miss work, then come back up that weekend. I wasn’t happy with the idea but my husband is a work-a-holic and he manages to push that off on me. It was hard but I left him that night and came home. The next day we talked again and came to a compromise, I spent that night at home to get some rest then went back to the hospital the next day after work.
Things kind of took off after his surgery. We came home that weekend and he spent the week in his recliner recovering like a good boy. The following Monday we made the trip back to Tulsa for his check up and the doctor gave him the okay for us to make the 6 hour trip to Lubbock so Jeff could see his dad.
His dad has cancer and has decided to opt out of treatment. He has been going progressively downhill for the past month. Between Jeff’s appointments and keeping tabs on his dad we have been pretty busy.
We have been so busy, we forgot our anniversary yesterday. Jeff remembered this morning and has been gloating ever since that he remembered before I did.
I had to cut something from my daily to-do list. Sadly, it had to be my blog. I have finally gotten to a place that I don’t feel endlessly exhausted, so hopefully I can get back to my original blog plan.
For now, I bid you Ado, but don’t fret, I WILL be back!
Oh Nooooo!
My Memory Monday – #1
Posted By jen on March 1, 2010
Back when I was writing the post making my big announcement about bringing back My Memory Monday, I put a lot of thought into it. I wanted the dates to be as accurate as I could possibly get them. I’m still not sure why exactly I wanted those dates to be so accurate but at that time it was important to me.
Those dates got me to thinking about something. When I talk to anyone about my teen years, everything that happened to me always happened when I was either 14 or when I was 16. You would think that those were just busy years when talking to me but the real truth is, in my mind I was never 15.
I know, I know, you are asking yourself why that might be. After putting a lot of thought into it I figured out that was a pretty bad year for me. I’m not going to go into the details of that year right now, mostly just because I don’t feel like it. However, I have written about it some on my other blog and I will write about it some more later on down the line.
Why am I putting it on My Memory Monday then? Well, I have a good answer for that. When the thought hit me that I have repressed 15, I was so relieved and shocked. I’m not upset about that year at all. I’m actually quite excited to remember the whole truth.
Thing is, I have always remembered some things that happened that year, just not the whole truth. Some things I actually made up, some things I only remembered parts and pieces. But, I have always believed the memories I do have to be the whole truth.
Its weird how you can make yourself believe something all your life and then find out it wasn’t exactly right after all.
I just wanted to share that.
WTH? #1
Posted By jen on February 26, 2010
There are those times in everyone’s life that you just have to sit back and ask “What the hell?” In my life there are lots of those times. Some are things my friends and family question about me and some are things that I wonder about myself.
Since there are those days that I just don’t have anything to say, I am going to bore you with my “What the hell?” moments. If you pay any attention at all you will notice quite a few of them revolve around food.
Here is one to start us off:
I really hate spinach. If the kids want it (and the weirdos do) they have to cook it themselves and clean the pan before I will walk back into the kitchen to finish supper or finish clean up.
I also hate artichokes. Thankfully this isn’t an issue with my kids, they don’t like them either.
I absolutely love spinach artichoke dip. I won’t eat the artichoke chunks out of it but I will lap up the damn spinach when given the opportunity.
What the hell?
Broken
Posted By jen on February 25, 2010
On December 16, 2009 I got a call at work from Jeff. He called to tell me that he was riding a horse and it threw him and he landed on his head. He said he was just banged up a little but he was ok.
Around 5:00 I got this phone call:
Him: Can you call whoever you need to call and close up and come get me?
I hung up on him and left the store immediately. Jeff doesn’t do the hospital, so I knew something had to be bad. We got to the ER and they whisked him back into the bowels of the hospital and left me sitting there twiddling my thumbs. I finally got to go back to his room and we sat and stared at each other for about 30 minutes not knowing what is going on.
The doctor finally came to his room and said “The helicopter will be here in 15 minutes to take you to Tulsa.” I looked at him and said “Why?” and he told us that Jeff’s neck was broken in two places.
And since his broken neck is all about me, I have to say that watching that helicopter fly away was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Thankfully my friend Heidi stayed on the phone with me so I had someone there to listen to me cry. Then when the time was right, she bitch slapped me into the real world and made me get my shit together.
Jeff was in the hospital four days. They sent him home with strict instructions about wearing his collar and behaving himself.
We went in for a checkup yesterday and were stunned to find out one of the disks has slipped. The doctor told him that surgery was needed. They wasted no time in getting things scheduled. He will have surgery Tuesday morning to remove the disk and have a metal plate put in. Then they will turn him over and go in and expand the tunnel that his nerve to his right side goes thru. He has been having a lot of trouble with his right side going numb.
Please pray or light a candle or whatever it is you do for him. He is really scared right now.